I just want to love myself

I clearly remember lying on my bedroom floor when I was about 9 and writing in my journal, ‘I just want to love myself’.

Even at this young age, I knew that if I could do this, really feel this, then everything else would be ok. It seemed like something I should be able to feel easily, that should come naturally, but somehow it felt out of my reach, an unknown.

Even now, decades later, I still feel it’s the most essential piece of the puzzle, the one true foundation. Self-love.

But what does it really mean to love yourself?

People often speak of looking after yourself, having ‘me-time’, treating yourself, giving yourself what you need. These are all vital elements of the self-care arena. But for me…

To love yourself means accepting all that you are and remaining present with your experience of yourself.

From a logical standpoint, this sounds feasible right, like ‘I can do that!’ But experientially, it’s really challenging. No matter how much work you’ve done on yourself, there is still so often an internal fight going on. Fighting what you’re feeling, fighting what you want because you believe you can’t have it, fighting the hurt or emptiness that’s knawing away inside.

What if…

What if you totally accepted how you were feeling, being, expressing in this moment? Whether you are open, angry, still, flowing, closed, scared or loving.

What if you could accept the myriad parts of yourself, including the ones you rarely show, like the bitterness and resentment, or your childlike vulnerability. How liberating would that be?!

This self-acceptance is what allows you to be truly present with yourself.

It doesn’t mean you are condoning or encouraging any one state or aspect of yourself, you are just not fighting against them. These parts and feelings are going to be there regardless of whether we fight or accept them; they are not going anywhere (at least not until we accept them).

Loving by staying present with yourself

Now this is something I have struggled with for years. I was always more comfortable – particularly in close relationships – to pour my love into someone else and lose myself in the process – effectively being outside of myself. Ironically, all those years, I was actually trying to find myself by doing this. I just never thought to turn around and go inside to find what I was looking for, until I started the Clairvision work.

Now I can love people by being completely present with myself, connected to my core and the light that I carry. My love for them then radiates from there. I don’t have to go anywhere. They feel me and my fullness without me actively doing anything, and even better it reflects their own fullness and light.

It’s such a mistake to believe that love is something that has to be entangled, clingy and tight. I believe true love only really happens between two people when there is space to be oneself, fullness reflecting fullness.

Loving from fullness rather than lack

I notice that people open more to me when I love them in this way. They don’t feel the pressure of my need, an emptiness I’m trying to get them to fill. There’s no expectation there. Just a big human sun shining at another human sun, creating a shared experience so much bigger than both of us.

This lesson has been a long time coming, and I’m still, and probably always will be, a student in loving myself so I can truly love others. But I feel it’s one of the most important lessons to be learnt in this human life.

Love is such a mystery, so immense. And human love is such a sweet segment to be savoured and deeply explored. A solid grounding in self-acceptance and being present with yourself is the pre-requisite for this incredible adventure.

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