The importance of matching

At the start of this series on sexuality, it seems apt to follow up last week’s post on ‘being intense in the world‘, with the importance of matching when it comes to sex.

What is ‘matching’?

Zhang-Ziyi-in-Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-DragonYou see it in martial arts, when two fighters are equally as skilled, maybe in different ways but they are matched in their ability, making for an incredible fight (just like these two characters in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon whose fighting over days finally ends with sex).

But you can also see it on a daily basis with a toddlers’ insatiability – if their parents are not equally present with them and don’t give them something to engage with or hit up against, all hell breaks loose.

Feeling safe & met

What does it mean when it comes to sex? Matching is not just about finding someone who is just as intense as you are in bed. It’s about being with someone or engaging in a sexual activity that allows you to fully be in your intensity, to show the depth of your desire, and ultimately to surrender. It can be really difficult to totally let go in sex when either the intensity of your desire can’t gear in or there’s not a big enough pool of desire in the other to dissolve into.

We just don’t reveal our full intensity until we feel both safe and met.

A subtle & ideosyncratic art

We each need something different to feel really met. Some need a lot of physical intensity, even verging on violence. Some need to be teased or tied up. Others need someone who’s extremely sensitive, wiling to take their time and open right up. And of course this changes over time, and we want different things at different times.

Explore your sexuality

Before you can really be met, it’s essential to explore and own your sexuality first. What does this mean?

  • Address any issues blocking your sexuality using a technique like ISIS which allows you to both see and heal these issues at their source, as well as having tangible experiences in your body of embracing your sexual power. Actually feeling it!
  • Do things that make you feel sexy, that allow you to really be in your body. For me, this is dancing but it could be a number of different activities.
  • And ‘wear your sexuality’. If you are not comfortable with your own sexuality, if you don’t let it be seen in your daily life, how are others going to be attracted to it and comfortable with it?

Owning your sexual power

Here I’m not talking necessarily about ‘flaunting’ your sexuality, but owning your sexual power. We are all sexual beings. We all have powerful sexual energy in our belly or lower centres. The only difference is that some of us let it flow more – not only into sex, but creative projects – instead of trying to repress or manage it.

Once you start owning your sexual energy more, it’s incredible how the world lights up and pulses with life. Such an exciting place to live! Eye contact with a stranger on the train. A smile to someone walking by. Dancing in a class with someone where the connection is magnetic. There’s a whole language of sexuality, a world of sexual interactions that opens up.

Most of these experiences won’t lead to sex itself, but just as the aim of sex is not ‘to come’ – it’s the journey that’s enjoyable – the anticipation, the glimpses, the moments, the dance. This is where the spark and real nourishment lives.

Being matched sexually

matchingThere is no formula for finding someone or something to match you sexually. If it is a person who unlocks the fullness of your desire, this may be a brief encounter rather than a long-term relationship.

But these sexual adventures and encounters which bring you to life, unleash your desire and ability to surrender, are so so valuable. Not only for the f***ing great sex, but also for what you get in contact within yourself.

The sex maniac in me

Until finding someone who truly matched me sexually – ‘spoke my language’ – I’d never really let out the complete sex maniac in me. The part of me that can have sex for several hours at a time, day after day, wherever and whenever.
A voraciousness in me that always wants more, that’s always ready.

There are few things more liberating in life than being able to fully be the sexual being that you are, and to experience the mind-blowing highs and blasted-apart openings that can follow.

What about you?

I’d love to hear of your experiences of being totally met sexually, and also want you feel still stands in the way of that for you.

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