The sexual dance of polarities

Before embracing my sexuality, sex was generally something ‘done to me’ and was pretty unsatisfying to be honest. It wasn’t until I explored my desires and felt matched sexually, that I realised: sex is a rich and multi-layered dance.

Whether you are straight, same-sex or bi, great sex often arises from the interplay between the feminine and masculine polarities. Unfortunately the balance between these polarities today seems to be out of whack.

Hardened women

Several of my female clients over the years have been strong, successful and powerful women who have pretty much given up on their sex lives being fulfilling. They complain about not being able to find a guy who can really meet them and give them what they want, without realising that they often make this impossible.

I know this because I also used to be one of these women. I was closed and frighteningly good at blocking men’s advances, pushing them away, putting my guard up. It wasn’t until I healed some of my wounds around sexuality and men in ISIS sessions, that I was able to embrace both the vulnerability and power of my sexuality, and be willingly available to men.

2nheoewI saw that my hardness was a defence against being out of control and getting hurt. When I was able to come to terms with my vulnerability, see its beauty and know that I wasn’t going to be destroyed, it was natural to be in my feminine power and attract the right person.

Women’s true sexual power

Women’s power is of a different nature to men’s, and yet we seem to be trying to mimic theirs to the detriment of us all. Women’s sexual power is both yin – nurturing, seductive and attractive, and yang – wild, primal and chaotic. In order to live from our real power, we need to drop the guards, the control and hardness that we’ve adopted to ‘make it’ in the world.

Alison Armstrong (who runs Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshops) shares, “I would never experience my power as a woman until I allowed men to have their power too. The choice was either to be weak together or to be powerful together. I chose being powerful.”

Emasculated men

Sadly, I also have several male friends who after years of unrealistic pressures to ‘be a (stereotypical) man’, perform in bed and get it up on demand, have lost confidence in their sexual power. Unfortunately, not only is society to blame here, but women too have emasculated men, not treating them as the men they are but instead – as Alison Armstrong puts it – ‘like hairy women’.

shiva3After years of getting it wrong, I now feel an immense compassion and love for men who have also suffered from society’s expectations. I also respect and acknowledge that they’re different from women, and instead of ‘trying to change them’, now I’m curious to understand them more and learn their language.

Powerful and vulnerable

It’s a fine balance but I believe we can have it all. In short, men need to feel like powerful men: strong, potent and direct (as in Shiva in the Hindu tradition). Women need to be feel like real, powerful women: alluring, deep and wild (or Shakti). We all also need to be allowed to be human: vulnerable, messy and sensitive.

To f*ck or be f*cked?

So how does this all relate to sex? The polarities do allow for attraction and make sex lively and passionate. What they don’t imply is that a woman needs to be ‘passive’, lying on her back while the man ‘does her’.

Sometimes, I feel wild like a panther, ready to devour. You’re not going to find me lying down passively! I want to be on top, in charge. I want to take my partner on a ride. I want him to get lost in the tide of my desire.

Other times, I am vast like the sea and want to surrender (after plenty of foreplay of course!). Like a valley waiting to be entered. I’m still alluring and playful, but when the time is right, I am theirs. I allow myself to be fully penetrated.

In doing so, I allow the man to be fully in his power. I also experience a yin but equally potent aspect of my own power.

Active reception

In the words of David Deida, from his book, The Enlightened Sex Manual

“Active reception is an essential, but often resisted, gesture of sexuality. The masculine partner must learn to open and receive the energy – dark and light, wild and nurturing – of the feminine partner. Likewise, the feminine partner must consciously choose and actively open to receive deep masculine love-penetration into her deepest heart and body if she is to dissolve in the fullness of love’s obliteration.”

Over to you

What do you resonate with in this post? Are you also seeing a trend for women becoming hardened and men being emasculated? I’d love to hear your experiences of playing with the polarities in sex and in life. If this is an area you need help with, please don’t hesitate to contact me for a free consultation.

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