Missing bits

Part of my work with clients is reconnecting with parts of them that are missing. What does that mean? How can parts of us be missing?

Made up of parts

While you may have a united sense of self which allows you to operate in the world, you are actually made up several parts. For instance within you, there may be a childlike innocence, a socially acceptable nice woman/man, and a ferocious intensity that can fight for your life, amongst others. These ‘parts’ each have their own flavour or qualities, their own desires and needs.

Trauma can eject parts

As the result of traumatic instances in your life, parts or qualities – often the more subtle and trauma_5_2299568353refined ones – can literally be ejected or leave our embodied consciousness. By ‘traumatic’, I’m not solely referring to events typically classed as traumas such as abuse, sexual violence and abandonment. For instance, the withdrawal of a parent due to work or other commitments can also be traumatic for a young child.

A thread remains

Also these ‘missing bits’ are not lost forever but, after such a trauma, they’re no longer felt within you. To take a metaphor, your embodied sense of self is the control centre and the missing bit is a shuttle in space. There is still a thread of connection to it but it’s not necessarily just going to come back without conscious (inner) work.

An example

To give you an example, in a session, my client re-experienced a full, sun-like contentment in her heart as a young child. Around this time, she also shared a special closeness to her father who was also very warm and open. When my client was 4, her father left her mother, and there was a moment when the father pushed my client away when she went to hug him.

My client experienced this as a personal rejection so traumatic that in the same moment this sunny, full and self-contained part was ejected from her heart. This moment, although perhaps not even registered by her father, changed the way my client was in the world. She no longer felt complete and searched outwards in relationships for someone to fill this painful gap.

Something’s not right

Part of the reason why I’m so passionate about helping people who have ‘missing bits’ is that there’s is a particular pain and hopelessness that accompanies parts that are missing. The other day, a client shared with me, “I feel like I’m going round and round in circles, trying everything to find the answer, to sort out this feeling that something’s not right, something’s missing”.

This sums up what it can be like for someone who has a major part of them missing or not here. There can be a clear sense that something is not right but the search for what is missing often painfully takes them outside themselves, when the only real solution is to reconnect within to the part that has been missing.

Not all angst

That’s obviously not to say that all the angst we feel is due to parts of us being missing – there are a number of reasons for that! We can also just be out of touch with parts of ourselves – they may be buried, suppressed or blocked within. But when you see someone trying to exist and operate without all of them being there, without all of their resources, it’s obvious why it’s so painful and confusing.

Reconnecting with missing bits

sunSo how do I work with clients who have missing bits? This is the other reason why I love doing this work. It’s such an honour. Working with a client’s missing bit is a sacred process – I am like a midwife, holding this part very delicately and helping the client to gradually reconnect with it.

This is a subtle process which needs to occur in its own time. Some missing bits need a fair bit of holding and coaxing back before they feel safe enough to reintegrate. In many cases just having someone ‘see’ the missing bit can be incredibly powerful and validating.

Filling the emptiness

From the client’s point of view, the energetic emptiness that they feel inside starts to gradually be filled with the presence of the missing bit and all its accompanying qualities. This can be such a relief, like a feeling of coming home or being reunited with something very dear.

There’s few things more painful than losing touch with or rejecting a part of yourself. And there’s perhaps nothing more fulfilling than being reunited with it.

Does this strike a chord with you? If you feel like you may have a ‘missing bit’ and would like a free consultation, please contact me today.

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2 replies
  1. Gallagher
    Gallagher says:

    Hi Emma,

    Just saying “Hello” & how soft, direct, compassionate I’m finding your blogs.

    So refreshing real, reading your personal journey so openly woven into the wisdom that is shared here.
    Clients must be flocking to your door !

    Maybe could catch you at HV BDI one day.


  2. Emma Swan
    Emma Swan says:

    Hi Gallagher! So lovely to hear from you. Thanks so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. Hope to see you soon too xx


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