There’s a fair bit of discourse around these days about the importance of being vulnerable with one another. Expressing the primal intensity that lives in each of us though is still fairly taboo.

Primal intensity

Right from the outset, I want to be clear that when I speak of violence, I am not condoning non-consensual, harmful actions against a person. But I am putting the spotlight on the animalistic, wild and yes, often violent part within each of us.

It can be confronting to feel an urge to slap your lover’s face, but if you are in a fiery relationship where you feel matched, fantasies like this are probably going to come up at times.

How to have both

primal womanThe question I want to pose is, how can you make room in yourself, your life and relationships for both these tender, vulnerable parts AND your intense, primal nature?

For most of my life, I’ve avoided these violent aspects of myself. My relationships have generally been based on harmony and feeling safe – a home for tender parts of me.

Fearing anger

In a past relationship, we hardly ever argued let alone fought. When I look back on it, I could feel we were both confronted by anger, in ourselves and others. We each believed that if we really unleashed our anger, it could destroy the sweet and trusting space we had so lovingly created between us.

Vulnerability of violence

Eventually though, this intensity and drive will want to be expressed and met. And I’m no longer convinced that violence and vulnerability are mutually exclusive. In fact, my experience has been that expressing my violence – whether in sex or playfully wrestling – has been incredibly vulnerable and left me feeling really open and exposed.

Safe context

bitingWithin a relationship, it’s really about creating a safe context to allow both the intensity and the vulnerability to be there. With your violence, this might mean talking about it beforehand, creating a space for it and setting limits, like ‘you can slap me but not bite me’. Being prepared for a person’s violence is a completely different matter than it suddenly erupting in your face when you least expect it.

Expressing your intensity

Each person’s violence comes out differently. I have a preference for letting it come through my body, rather than through words or emotionally. Setting up times to play fight or wrestle has worked well for me. There can also be times during sex when a depth of intensity inside is met and violent urges come up. This can be a perfect time to let them out, whether through your voice, scratching, biting, slapping – whatever you like. Just make sure you have an understanding with your partner beforehand, including what they are okay and not okay with.

Sex as an arena

sexGenerally though, sex is a great arena to explore the extremes of violence and vulnerability. When a person is not in touch with their violence, they can often have a problem with their partner’s intensity or violence, In this scenario, your partner’s intensity can feel really dangerous and scary, and you can feel like a victim.

But when having sex, it’s more likely that you’ll be in touch with your body and lower centres, and be able to match your lover’s intensity when it’s unleashed. Then their violence can become a huge turn on!

This being said, issues around past abuse can be triggered at the very hint of intensity or violence, so there may be a need to do some regression work, like IST sessions, before exploring this territory.

Danger of suppression

In my experience, suppressing your violence is much more dangerous than owning it and creating a safe space in which to express it. Suppression can lead to greater harm in the long term both to yourself – physically and emotionally – and others.

While exploring your violence and intensity can be edgy and confronting, it is also incredibly enlivening and can unleash a huge surge of energy. It can put you directly in touch with parts of yourself that have the will and drive to achieve great things.


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