I am having the humbling reminder at the moment, that even though I am currently deeply in love, I am also alone.

This basic truth – we are each alone – is one we so easily forget or try to cover up. I know I do this a lot in relationships: the intimacy, closeness and affection I so enjoy, also acts as a convenient cover for this basal feeling of aloneness inside.

Not forgetting

Even though it’s hard to forget you’re alone when you’re not in a relationship, perhaps paradoxically, one of the keys to an intimate relationship actually working is not forgetting it when you are involved with someone else.

This humble and honest knowing of your own aloneness can provide a healthy foundation for being in a relationship. It prevents you from looking outside for someone to fill gaps within that only you can fill. It can also keep you from being lulled into a false sense of security or certainty about the lasting nature of your connection with this person.

Putting you first

Being-AloneAnd above all else, it puts the one relationship which will outlast all others first – the one with yourself.

Without this solid, self loving and intimate relationship with yourself, what are you left with when the inevitable happens and a relationship ends for one reason or another?

I’ve been in this position and I’ll tell you what – it hurts like hell. Not only because you have lost them but even worse, you feel like you have lost yourself. You’ve given everything to this person, you’ve sacrificed your relationship with yourself, and when they leave, all that remains is a big gaping hole.

Clear boundaries

Even within a relationship, being firmly rooted in yourself and remembering the truth of your aloneness, will prevent a lot of the entanglement of issues that can take place between two people.

You can retain a clearer sense of yourself as an individual with your own issues and your own experience, and the other with theirs. The boundaries are more defined, and the relationship is likely to be much more functional and long-lasting.

We are all alone

imagesI always used to feel despondent when people told me, ‘we are all alone’. How sad – we go through our lives, in love, so close with and loving others, but really it’s all a lie – we are alone!

But I’ve started seeing it in a different way.

We are each alone – we each have our own path, our own unique experience and set of issues, AND we have the opportunity – sometimes numerous ones – to love and be loved.

Loving yourself

Really, knowing that you are alone makes things very simple on one level. The relationship or person you most need to take care of is yourself. This has been the challenge for me – to care for, hold, love and look after both my external and internal needs, more than the one I love.

It’s a pursuit that is very worthwhile and necessary when you come face to face with the fact that essentially you are alone.


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2 replies
  1. Karen Churchill
    Karen Churchill says:

    Thank you for sharing this Emma, I totally agree that to keep this in mind can help the vibrancy and health of a relationship, I was just realising this this week and sharing it with my partner and committing to a period of daily writing to keep deepening the connection with myself. Since doing this the flow between us feels lighter!

  2. Emma Swan
    Emma Swan says:

    Great to hear this Karen, thanks for your comment. Writing is also one of the main ways I nurture my connection with myself. Glad to hear it’s helping your relationship too!


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