We each have deep fears that play out repeatedly in our lives. You may be afraid of being abandoned, feeling rejected, being blamed, feeling inadequate or unlovable. Do you notice how often such fears get triggered in your life?

I had a client who was scared of being abandoned. This fear continually manifested in her relationships. She would often attract people who would either threaten or actually leave her when things got tough. This sent her spiralling into devastation and mistrust, over and over again.

She finally came to me when she’d had enough of this dynamic, and wanted to resolve her part in it. We
fear-of-abadonmentsourced this charge around being abandoned back to her mother leaving her when she was 3 years old. Immediately, she could see that the same emotions and space she went into in her current relationships were very similar to those she experienced when very young.

Through the IST process she was able to re-experience the trauma in a way where she felt held so the emotional charge could be released.

Abandoning yourself

The most powerful part of the process occurred towards the end, when she realised that it wasn’t only her mother that she felt abandoned by, but herself.

Once she had healed enough of the wound around her mother, my client could see that it was actually the act of abandoning herself (after her mother left) that hurt the most.

When she saw this truth, she was able to feel inside for the part of herself that would not do that again – that would not abandon herself, even when someone else left her. This gave her an inner strength and a place to rest inside that she had craved since she was a child.

What we do to ourselves

images (1)This is something I have seen repeatedly over the years of working with clients – it is what we do or don’t do to ourselves that hurts more than what others do. Likewise, ‘losing’ a part of ourselves is way more painful than losing a loved one.

This is also something I have had to face in my own process too. I have a fear of being rejected, and have seen that when I anticipate that someone I respect/care about/love is about to reject me, I do it first. I reject a part of myself inside to avoid feeling the full of hurt of being rejected, yet ironically, this leads to more pain in the long term, including a lack of trust not just of others but myself.

Being loyal to yourself

This all points again to the utmost importance of your relationship with yourself.

Strong is the person who, when the world turns against them, they do not turn against themselves.

This is the potential strength of the human spirit.

Delaram-Afghanistan-A-man-001Ultimately, no one other than yourself can really heal these deep fears, like those of being abandoned and rejected. By sourcing the pattern, you can bring an end to a hurtful and destructive cycle that may be playing out in your life, allowing for more healthy and loving relationships.

Resting in yourself

But ultimately something needs to turn around inside. Something inside needs to make the decision not to do what you fear most to yourself.

Then if someone in the future – because of their own dysfunctional patterns – rejects or abandons you, you still have yourself to rest on. Life is always going to deliver blows but the question is will you deliver another and more painful one? Or will you not only lessen the damage but strengthen your relationship with yourself in the process?

This is about building a place inside that is constant, self-loving and full of your presence.


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