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EMBRACE WHAT IS INSIDE

Embrace your intensity. Embrace your anger. Embrace your grief. Embrace your mistakes. Embrace your hatred. Embrace your fear. Embrace your limits. Embrace your shame. Embrace your vulnerability. Embrace your humanness. Embrace your bigness. Embrace your younger self. Embrace your body. Embrace your sexuality. Embrace your intelligence. Embrace your shyness. Embrace your frustrations. Embrace your weaknesses. Embrace your closings. Embrace your emotions. Embrace your aging self. Embrace yourself.

Embrace it all.

What would that look like?
Probably very different to how it looks now, right?

 

The moment you stop resisting, you can meet all of yourself openly.

In other words, you experience more of who you are when you embrace what comes to you and accept what you experience inside.

This does not mean becoming passive or apathetic, but it does mean stopping the fight against what is. It’s also not about ‘making everything better’ or plastering over experiences with positive affirmations and good thoughts. It’s about taking an embracing attitude towards what is already there.

In other words, be present and open to what you are actually experiencing or what is happening, whether it’s unbearably painful, joyfully expansive or just fricking intense. Now that is awakening!

 

An alternative to habitual avoidance behaviors?

Often you feel experience that you don’t want to experience, so you do everything you can think of to avoid it. You may analyse it, dissect, excuse, cover up, suppress, get angry, distract yourself, turn to an addiction, leave the picture, sleep, eat comfort food, blame someone else, project, run away… so many habitual ways you try to ‘manage your experience’.

What if you could retrain yourself – gradually – to pause at these moments briefly and go inside towards the experience or feeling? What if you could make space for it, enter it, even embrace it?

 

Become willing to experience whatever is happening.

w1Whenever I successfully do this, I’m surprised by how even the most painful feelings or charged intensity only seems to need my full presence and awareness for a few minutes to open and shift. And it’s such a relief! So much time and further pain – caused by a lot of avoidance habits – is saved.

Just like when a good friend really hears you or when you feel matched in what you’re experiencing, you can let go, feel held and move on feeling so much lighter. AND you are more connected to yourself in the process.

 

Own your intensity

Working with clients and on myself for over a decade has led me to see that ultimately what we reject or repress most is our bigness, our intensity – the part that could create and achieve things of a great magnitude, and yes, could also destroy those things we love. 

It can be terrifying facing such parts of ourselves, not to mention the challenge of ignoring the messages we get from our community that ‘being intense is not okay‘.

Yet, owning your intensity – accepting and entering your rage or hate, opening into forces inside that currently work against you, being the bigger you – is life changing. A whole set of neurotic tendencies and avoidance mechanisms can simply drop when you are truly in your power.

There are no established pathways for embracing such parts of ourselves, and it is likely you were not taught nor encouraged to do so. That is what I am here for.

Find out more about Embrace You Coaching, and contact me if you’d like to try a free 45 min coaching session.

 

Your presence is big enough to hold any experience.

s1 Even the most devastating, horrendous grief, or the most rageful hate – it can all be held by your higher self – the part that can make this process work.

More often than not, it’s a matter of pausing and making space. Give yourself 30 seconds to breathe and make the decision not to go into a habitual pattern. Instead, go inside and turn towards the experience, make space for it – allow it to exist. Not only will entering the experience transmute it, but it will bring you so much closer to yourself.


If you would like help to change unsupportive habits and develop a more embracing attitude towards yourself and your life, get in touch and book a free 45 min coaching session with me (limited number on offer).

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STOP AND FEEL THE HURT

Why do you avoid hurt?

It never ceases to amaze me how much we humans do anything we can to avoid feeling hurt. Feeling hurt often brings up unconscious memories of traumatic incidents from childhood, and also feelings of being powerless and totally vulnerable.

Threat to defense mechanisms

Such feelings can be very threatening to the defense and coping mechanisms you create to cover them up. Unfortunately, by the time you are an adult, it’s likely you mainly live in these mechanisms which essentially disconnect you from who you really are.

What covers your hurt?

A very powerful and simple practice to begin healing these hurts and create healthier and supportive relationships can be implemented in your daily interactions. The next time you feel hurt when relating with a loved one, you may not even notice it. Instead you may withdraw, get angry, defensive, freeze or just shut down. The first step to slowing down the process so it doesn’t get worse is to identify the typical reaction which covers your initial hurt.

Stop and go inside

When you notice yourself going into this typical reaction pattern, stop! As in literally, say to your friend/lover, ‘I need to pause’ or ‘Can we stop/slow down?’. Then check in with yourself, take a deep breath, go inside and feel what is happening inside.

Arguments are an opportunity

Couple having a discussion in the kitchen

You may think these suspiciously repetitive arguments are about ‘winning’ or proving that you are right or that your partner is wrong. Really, each of these arguments is an opportunity to unravel and be free from a a painful pattern within yourself. By doing this, you are not condoning the other’s behaviour, you are using the hurtful situation for your own growth, to learn more about yourself – the one thing you have control over.

Detach from the pattern

Detaching from the other and just being with your own experience is often the most challenging part of the process. Even when you feel hurt, you want to attribute it to another person or external cause, right?. While there is often an external trigger, the hurt is already there, more often than not, it’s been there for a long time. If anything, it attracts the same situations and treatment simply because it hasn’t been healed. It’s like an open cut which keeps getting poked or having the scab scraped off.

Focus on sensations

Once you have removed yourself from the entangled mess of reactions with the other, and gotten in contact with what is happening inside, keep it simple – focus on the sensations and emotions you are experiencing in your body. This is where your partner can help – both by holding you and asking you questions which help you feel deeper into your internal experience. Questions like, ‘What does it feel like inside?’, ‘Where do you feel that in your body?’ or ‘Is that a familiar feeling?’, can all help.

Reverse the tides

554df5b5cb7ce60d96cf8902ffaae08fBecoming more present at this level within you can be so powerful. In essence, what you are doing is reversing the momentum of an unconscious defense mechanism that has been developed. Like a massive wave that wants to crash on to your partner, causing damage both to you and your relationship, you are going against the tide and getting underneath the defenses.

More connected to you

You are moving into a standpoint inside that you used to occupy more when you were younger, and the best thing is that you feel so much more like the real You here! Even if it feels ‘unnatural’, this simple action is strengthening your connection with your true self rather than mechanisms and walls built on top, which are not you!

Separate to connect

Often in heated or hurtful interactions, both people get triggered and you may need to go through this process, one at a time, the other taking on the holding and prompting role. While it may not seem logical, separating out from the interaction with your partner when you have been triggered is one of the best ways to stay connected with them.

More connection all round

Two people’s defense mechanisms going to war with each other only causes more harm and leads to greater disconnection between the two of you. With the help of your partner, taking this approach of stopping and going inside, can help you both to feel more open, vulnerable and connected to each other.

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QUEEN OR KING FOR THE NIGHT

Receive what you want

What would it be like to be a queen or king for the night and receive exactly what you want, when and for how long – no questions asked?

Well this post is about exactly that, as inspired by a practice I learnt at at Tantra workshop a number of years ago.

Get in touch with your desires

So what do you need? Firstly, an openness to get in touch with your desires, then, simply set aside a few hours with a lover or even a close friend (if the requests aren’t going to be sexual). One person takes the role or king or queen, the other is their servant (minion, slave, whatever name suits your fancy!).

Ask specifically for what you want

The basic idea of the practice is that the queen or king can ask their servant for whatever they desire and if it is within reason (asking them to fly you to the Bahamas probably isn’t), they provide it. One of the best things is if – as the queen/king – you are done with your lover kissing you all over your body and want something different, you can stop them mid-action without an explanation and ask for something else.

Inhabit the role

queen 2The key to making this practice work is to treat it like a practice – set the space, turn off your phone and computer, make sure you have fruits, chocolate and other foods, goodies or body oils that your king/queen may request.

And most importantly, take on the role, get into character. The king or queen needn’t apologize or even ask – they simply state, for instance, ‘now I want you to… whisper in my ear how beautiful I am’. The servant on the other hand really needs to wear a mask of neutrality as much as possible, put aside their own personality and wantings for the time being. You are there to serve, and it’s an honor to do so.

Surprise yourself with your requests

If you are doing this with a friend, your requests may range from a shoulder massage, to putting on a bath with essential oils, or feeding you fruit dipped in chocolate. With a lover, the requests can also be of a more sexual and intimate nature.

What surprises me each time I do this practice, that the fulfilled requests that move me most are not the ones I would necessarily expect. The last time I was queen, I was almost in tears when my servant, on my request, ran their fingers through my hair and described poetically how beautiful it was. I had never realised how much I wanted my hair to be appreciated so explicitly and lovingly!

queen 1Desires you didn’t know you had

This practice is powerful in many ways. Whether you do it with a good friend or lover, it is a great way to connect with desires you may not have even known you had. Take as much time as you need to go inside and feel what you want in the moment. Stating what you want and knowing you will receive it can not only be incredibly liberating and fulfilling, but deconstruct ideas you may have about not being able to get what we want.

Stop or adjust as you wish

Taking the practice on a sexual level brings a whole range of other potential benefits. How many times are you in the middle of some kind of sexual activity with your partner, and in your head you’re thinking, ‘ok, I’m done, I want something else’, or ‘I wish he/she would do it a bit more like this’ but you don’t say anything, you just lie there, waiting, hoping…

Break long-term habits

Well this practice is a chance to change these dynamics and try out being completely honest and transparent in the moment. It can also break long term patterns you may have become entrenched in with your partner. I remember the first time I did this practice, I told my ‘servant’ I’d had enough of him going down on me, and he was surprised when I then asked for a massage because previously this had signalled that I was ready for coitus. He was a bit surprised and even disappointed, but I was getting exactly what I wanted and breaking long-term habits at the same time!

Clear roles of receiving or giving

It is also extremely powerful in a sexual relationship to have phases when the focus in totally on one person, without the unsaid need to pleasure the other person afterwards. Having clearly defined roles – receiver and giver – for a set period of time can allow you both to go so much deeper. The receiver or queen/king, can just completely let go, receive and enjoy without worrying about what the other might want or need. The giver or servant, can completely gear into the other and enjoy pleasuring them in exactly the way they want.

 

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FEARS ONLY YOU CAN HEAL

We each have deep fears that play out repeatedly in our lives. You may be afraid of being abandoned, feeling rejected, being blamed, feeling inadequate or unlovable. Do you notice how often such fears get triggered in your life?

I had a client who was scared of being abandoned. This fear continually manifested in her relationships. She would often attract people who would either threaten or actually leave her when things got tough. This sent her spiralling into devastation and mistrust, over and over again.

She finally came to me when she’d had enough of this dynamic, and wanted to resolve her part in it. We
fear-of-abadonmentsourced this charge around being abandoned back to her mother leaving her when she was 3 years old. Immediately, she could see that the same emotions and space she went into in her current relationships were very similar to those she experienced when very young.

Through the IST process she was able to re-experience the trauma in a way where she felt held so the emotional charge could be released.

Abandoning yourself

The most powerful part of the process occurred towards the end, when she realised that it wasn’t only her mother that she felt abandoned by, but herself.

Once she had healed enough of the wound around her mother, my client could see that it was actually the act of abandoning herself (after her mother left) that hurt the most.

When she saw this truth, she was able to feel inside for the part of herself that would not do that again – that would not abandon herself, even when someone else left her. This gave her an inner strength and a place to rest inside that she had craved since she was a child.

What we do to ourselves

images (1)This is something I have seen repeatedly over the years of working with clients – it is what we do or don’t do to ourselves that hurts more than what others do. Likewise, ‘losing’ a part of ourselves is way more painful than losing a loved one.

This is also something I have had to face in my own process too. I have a fear of being rejected, and have seen that when I anticipate that someone I respect/care about/love is about to reject me, I do it first. I reject a part of myself inside to avoid feeling the full of hurt of being rejected, yet ironically, this leads to more pain in the long term, including a lack of trust not just of others but myself.

Being loyal to yourself

This all points again to the utmost importance of your relationship with yourself.

Strong is the person who, when the world turns against them, they do not turn against themselves.

This is the potential strength of the human spirit.

Delaram-Afghanistan-A-man-001Ultimately, no one other than yourself can really heal these deep fears, like those of being abandoned and rejected. By sourcing the pattern, you can bring an end to a hurtful and destructive cycle that may be playing out in your life, allowing for more healthy and loving relationships.

Resting in yourself

But ultimately something needs to turn around inside. Something inside needs to make the decision not to do what you fear most to yourself.

Then if someone in the future – because of their own dysfunctional patterns – rejects or abandons you, you still have yourself to rest on. Life is always going to deliver blows but the question is will you deliver another and more painful one? Or will you not only lessen the damage but strengthen your relationship with yourself in the process?

This is about building a place inside that is constant, self-loving and full of your presence.

 

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TRUTH OF BEING ALONE

I am having the humbling reminder at the moment, that even though I am currently deeply in love, I am also alone.

This basic truth – we are each alone – is one we so easily forget or try to cover up. I know I do this a lot in relationships: the intimacy, closeness and affection I so enjoy, also acts as a convenient cover for this basal feeling of aloneness inside.

Not forgetting

Even though it’s hard to forget you’re alone when you’re not in a relationship, perhaps paradoxically, one of the keys to an intimate relationship actually working is not forgetting it when you are involved with someone else.

This humble and honest knowing of your own aloneness can provide a healthy foundation for being in a relationship. It prevents you from looking outside for someone to fill gaps within that only you can fill. It can also keep you from being lulled into a false sense of security or certainty about the lasting nature of your connection with this person.

Putting you first

Being-AloneAnd above all else, it puts the one relationship which will outlast all others first – the one with yourself.

Without this solid, self loving and intimate relationship with yourself, what are you left with when the inevitable happens and a relationship ends for one reason or another?

I’ve been in this position and I’ll tell you what – it hurts like hell. Not only because you have lost them but even worse, you feel like you have lost yourself. You’ve given everything to this person, you’ve sacrificed your relationship with yourself, and when they leave, all that remains is a big gaping hole.

Clear boundaries

Even within a relationship, being firmly rooted in yourself and remembering the truth of your aloneness, will prevent a lot of the entanglement of issues that can take place between two people.

You can retain a clearer sense of yourself as an individual with your own issues and your own experience, and the other with theirs. The boundaries are more defined, and the relationship is likely to be much more functional and long-lasting.

We are all alone

imagesI always used to feel despondent when people told me, ‘we are all alone’. How sad – we go through our lives, in love, so close with and loving others, but really it’s all a lie – we are alone!

But I’ve started seeing it in a different way.

We are each alone – we each have our own path, our own unique experience and set of issues, AND we have the opportunity – sometimes numerous ones – to love and be loved.

Loving yourself

Really, knowing that you are alone makes things very simple on one level. The relationship or person you most need to take care of is yourself. This has been the challenge for me – to care for, hold, love and look after both my external and internal needs, more than the one I love.

It’s a pursuit that is very worthwhile and necessary when you come face to face with the fact that essentially you are alone.

 

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